From the carpool line to the boardroom

From the carpool line to the boardroom: Tales and revelations from a Boca Working Mom

It may have all started a couple of years ago when my then-4-year-old daughter approached me one afternoon and asked, “Mommy, all the other Mommies wear exercise clothes in the morning – how come you get all dressed-up?”

Hmmmm…where to begin? Instead of seeing this as the innocent-albeit-perceptive question that it was, my first inclination was to set my jaw, clench my fists and angrily explain to my innocent child that it’s a whole lot more complicated than who’s wearing what.

But then my rational self caught my crazed self and gently reminded the latter that this could be one of those enlightening mother-child moments and that I really needed to be careful about how I answered her.

Do I give her an angry feminist (and perhaps slightly irrational) answer about how her Mommy is highly-educated, has an important job to go to and can’t be bothered with exercise in the morning? Do I give her the “kumbaya” answer that Mommies today are so lucky to have all sorts of choices about what they can do when their kids are in school — some choose to exercise while others choose to get dressed-up and some even do both.

Or, do I tell her the truth which is something along the lines of this: On any given day, she could find mommies doing – and wearing – just about anything, anywhere. Some might be very happy about what they are doing, some might be miserable and desperately wanting to do something else but all, regardless of who or where, are likely feeling torn and tugged in a million different directions and guilty over all of them.

It’s not about choices, it’s about perception

What set me off about my daughter’s question was not about the to-work-or-not-to-work issue (which we would all likely agree has been re-hashed ad infinitum) but more about her taking note, even at the tender age of four, of the subtle and not-so-subtle differences within the population known as “Mommies.”

Of course, here in Boca, we Mommies are not exactly representative of the Mommy population at large, but we see many of the same issues in play. Since I became a Mommy nearly nine years ago, my beef has always been about the way we Mommies judge ourselves and one another – always, in my opinion, harshly and unjustly. I also see all sorts of misconceptions, envy and skepticism mixed in this big pot of judgment.

The ever-present Mommy Wars

The phenomenon I refer to has been dubbed by many authors and others in the public eye as the ‘Mommy Wars.’ It’s a pat but accurate term to describe something that’s both pervasive and private, ever-changing yet old news. (Case-in-point: Do a search on Amazon.com for ‘Mommy Wars’ and you’ll get 60 or 70 results there alone. And by the way, if you’re reading this thinking ‘Oh, this is just your typical cat-fight,’ then you should hand this column over to your wife.)

Here’s how it works in over-simplified and exaggerated terms: The moms who work think the moms who “don’t” are bored, boring, lazy and brain-dead. The moms who stay at home think the moms who work are selfish, money-hungry, neglectful and completely messed up when it comes to priorities. (Even the terms are skewed – I mean, what mom doesn’t work and no one actually stays at home, whether they work for a living or not.) And to add insult to injury, both sides think theirs’ is the harder-working.

The result?
Moms across the board are frustrated and a bit angry, but the irony is that while we may take it out on each other, we’re not really each other’s problems.

When I was growing up in 1970s’ and 80s’ suburbia, I was told that if I went to a good college, I’d be armed with all the tools I needed to live my life, at home and at work, in the way I wanted to. I won’t say that’s inaccurate, because that is basically what I have done, but it may have been nice to know the whole scenario.

We’re all told of the many choices available to us, but the truth is that our employers, neighbors and even our fellow moms aren’t yet equipped to accommodate the reality that comes with these choices. And this is the reality that, a few years ago, led me to almost give my daughter an angry answer to her innocent question.

Why so frustrated?
Ours is, still today in 2006, a black-and-white society that still does not have the tools to offer moms the flexibility, economic support or social, communal and professional resources to design our own versions of work-life balance. We’re getting better, but we have a long way to go.

Moms are frustrated with an inflexible and not-so-creative system that leaves little room for true choice. For working moms, the options are limited: Part-time work? Benefits for working less than 40 hours per week? Starting work earlier to earn time to meet the school bus in the afternoon?

And stay-at-home moms have it no better – they forfeit countless dollars in salary, benefits and retirement compensation by devoting the whole of their prime working years not to the corporate ladder but to their families.

Flexibility, creativity and cool arrangements that make sense for our lives? Forget about it!

What’s next?
While some of my best friends are stay-at-home moms, I’ve always been a working mom, so my view of the Mommy World is somewhat skewed and clearly subjective. Earlier this year, a woman by the name of Terry Hekker wrote an honest, unflinching op-ed piece in The New York Times about how, 25 years ago, she was mistaken when she wrote in her-then op-ed piece that she was thrilled with her personal choice to be a mom and wife and never would she desire or need to work outside the realm of home and family. She went on, for years following the column, to become a model of what she calls “homemaking and housewifery.”

Ms. Hekker, now a grandmother, regrets her championing of this particular cause, not because she favors working over not working (or vice versa), but because her husband ended up leaving her for a “younger model,” and with no other choice but to make her own money (she learned soon enough that there wasn’t much to be made) and to draw on her own skills, highly honed but barely regarded in the workplace.

My first reaction to the Hekker’s admission and to the almost-painful details that went along with it was something along the lines of smug I-told-you-so-ness. Once that ugly side of me piped down, the rational side, which is the same side that eventually gave my daughter the right kind of answer to her question about which Mommies were wearing what, had something insightful and important to say.

I’d tell you more about my it-all-makes-sense-now moment, but I’m in a rush to grab my place in the carpool line.

Allison Nazarian is President of Allison Media Group, Inc., a recognized leader in copywriting and related marketing consulting services. A former journalist, she lives in Boca Raton with her two children and black lab.

Click here to connect with Allison and receive an email response within one business day.